Below is a poster. A poster that is made from such epic magnitudes of win that it will blow your balls off, make you feel sick and skyrocket you to the moon. But it is just a poster.
KEEP CALM AND…..
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Monthly Archives: March 2012
Writer VS Writer : Chapter 1
Welcome to the first installment in a blistering new series here on BJ. This is Writer VS Writer, and here is the concept ; Jonny and I will each write a chapter with the sole aim being : force the other writer into an impossible situation whilst still maintaining some kind of coherent plot.
So it begins.
Chapter 1 – The Parrot
Jason Borgling was an ordinary man. He works in London, at a Financial firm, he lives on his own, in a flat, he makes just enough money to enjoy his life. Today would change his life. It was 8:00am and he was literally walking out of the door, when a UPS delivery man was about to post a “We tried to deliver but you were out” slip through his letterbox. “Erm…what?” asked Jason, perplexed. The UPS deliveryman blushed, bright red. “I don’t understand”, Jason exasperatedly started “Surely it is more hassle for you to have to write out and do all the added paperwork of the package not being delivered than just giving it to me?” and the UPS Delivery man nodded, handed the parcel to him and walked off.
Jason rushed back into the flat and left the package on the coffee table. He then ran back out, as he was now a couple of minutes late for work and would miss his vitally important tube train. He hadn’t been late in four years, and he wasn’t about to start now because of a lazy package-man. As he hurried out of his flat he saw a UPS name tag on the floor “Jeremy” it read. “Cunt”, he uttered under his breath, and he slipped the badge into his pocket. He managed to reach the tube station in time, and had a trouble-free journey from there on out. Reaching his workplace at 8:56am, he had made it. He was about to step into the building when a car screeched. A bus zoomed past, blocking his view and when it had fully gone out of view, he realised a young woman had been knocked down by a car. A cage with a fluttering, colourful blur rattled around on the floor. A parrot had been dropped by the woman. Jason looked at his workplace, then back at the woman and the parrot….no one was helping. “Fuck.” he sighed, and ran over to help. The parrot was squawking wildly….as he approached it settled down. He stepped away, it sqwuarked, he stepped back and it settled down. “Hmmm”, he picked up the cage.
This is a ridiculous morning, he thought to himself, and he lifted his right hand, now carrying a Parrot cage…and parrot. 9:01am. He turned around and stared up at the skyscraper where he works. His eyes meet the eyes of his manager. Ferbert Monzigala, the hardest boss in the company. Jason was literally weeks away from a massive promotion that would fling him into super-stardom at the firm. Ferberts eyes were like thunder. And Jason stared back down at the Parrot…..
END OF CHAPTER ONE.
As you can see, Its a pretty straightforward beginning. The true fuck-each-other-nature of this series begins now, but I felt it important to get a solid foundation in. As any great Orgy organiser would say….LET THE FUCKING OF EACH OTHER BEGIN!
How To Appear Less Attractive To Rapists
Recently I have started to use Public Transport a lot. Not because I don’t have transport of my own, or for financial reasons or anything like that. I have been using it more recently because I found I was falling out of touch with the world.
Ever since I have started using it again, I’ve been listening to people’s conversations, and something is clear. People don’t feel safe any more. So in this new series, we are going to help the general public with these common problems. What kick started this first one? I overheard something the damn nearly broke my heart.
“I am an attractive woman, and I am scared to walk home after 8pm….I feel like I shouldn’t go out any more”.
That really made me sit up. I leaned forward, tapped her on the shoulder and she turned around. That is when it hit me and I had the idea for this post. I said to her “You don’t need to be worried about being raped. No one would rape you. No one would come anywhere near you, even if you spread your legs and paid them.”
She was extremely ugly.
And that is tip 1.
1) Get ugly.
You can do this in a number of ways. If you are an 8 or less, simply don’t put make-up on. All women are ugly without make-up, fact. Even some hard-10s can be lacking when make-up free. Alternatively, if you are a 9 or 10 and have a beautiful complexion, you can start applying make-up, but too much, too heavily and in the wrong areas. However, if it is dark (rapists tend to rape when dark) this step might not always work. And so…
2) Make friends with a fat chick.
“Won’t this make me more attractive to rapists”. You’re not looking at the bigger picture, darling. If you’re with a fat chick when the rapist strikes, throw the fat chick at the rapist. First of all, if they can get around her you’ll at least have a head start. Second of all….HE IS A FUCKING RAPIST. His standards aren’t going to be all that high. “Woman? Check. Breathing? Doesn’t matter.” wow, exacting standards. He gets a hold of that fat chick? He’s fucking her, and not you.
I would also like to note that this is a woman’s guide. I am aware there are gay rapists too. I am no homophobe.
3) Become a willing victim
This is the last piece of advice I could offer and its a risky strategy. 30% of rapists resort to rape because it is the only way they can sustain an erection. They get hard off of the illegality, and the power that it gives them. If you become a willing victim “Oh yes, I’ve always wanted to get raped. Touch my boobies and stuff” this will make them flop-out. Of course, if they’re part of the 70%…then…well maybe they will be a little less rough at least. Heck maybe you’ll find you enjoyed being raped.
Which leads me nicely into an advert for the next in this series! “How To Appear More Attractive To Rapists”.
Two Men & A Baby: A Slight Issue
Just a little update to let you all know how we’re currently doing. Although we’ve been giving our all into ‘trying for a baby’, we’ve ran into a slight issue…
Disabled And Sexy?
I have returned. I was not abducted by aliens. Or raped. Or abducted AND raped by aliens. I was busy. Busy TRYING to masturbate over the ladies at Disabled and Sexy. We at BJ have been accused of being negative towards certain groups in the past and I would like to correct that image. I am all ‘for’ disability. Very ‘for’ it. And to prove that we love ALL groups, (even if they are crippled, useless, little sacks of flesh) I have been attempting to successfully gasm over their image. It has not been a very fruitful endeavor.
‘See Their Smile. See Their Style. See Their Disability.’ is the incredibly uncatchy tagline. I’m not sure they realise that ‘their style’ is the last thing men looking at ‘Disabled And Sexy’ pictures wish to see. Possibly ‘their smile’. As long as it’s followed by a cock being shoved in it, of course, but definitely not their disability. Unfortunately, there is not a scrap of tit, ass or minge on show at Disabled And Sexy. They also keep trying to nastily force the disability angle on you, like daddy forced himself upon you all those many years ago.
There are three things wrong with the above image.
One is the black and white. No. Long gone are the days when you could stick a black and white filter on a picture of your sister double-dildoing your plump, slutty Aunt Faye and call it ‘art’. Black and white is NOT sexy. We want to see every inch of skin in glorious technicolour.
Two. The Wheelchair. Okay, you may be disabled but do you really need to be in the chair? Can’t someone sprawl you out on the floor so we can imagine how vulnerable you really are? The chair is just going to get in the way of any sexual encounter. Ditch it.
Three. ‘CRIPPLE’. Instead of aroused I almost feel sorry for her. There’s no way she wrote that on her own back, meaning somebody else put it there. I can imagine her in makeup getting told that they’re writing “DADDY’S LITTLE WHORE” on her back so she can play at doing proper porn, while they’re all sniggering to themselves because they know what they’ve really done.
Two women. Are in the same photo. But they are NOT rubbing each others titties. They’re not even touching. They don’t even look remotely aroused. They don’t even look like they’re friends! It’s like they’ve just accidentally crashed into one another and their clockwork speed brains are trying to work out what in hell just happened. The girl on the right has clearly suffered some sort of brain trauma from the ‘accident’. There’s obviously not much going on in there. THIS IS NOT SEXY.
It has taken me an entire week and a half and I am still unable to successfully finish a wank. I’ve given up. I’m sorry Disabled and Sexy, it doesn’t mean we don’t love you here at BJ because we do, it’s only that you’re not as sexy as you make out. You’re just disabled.
BONUS PRIZE: Your would/wouldn’t list in the comments below please.
My personal one: Would, wouldn’t, wouldn’t, might, absolutely not.
Wanted Dead Or Alive : Jonny Borders
It is with a heavy heart that I write this article. I believe that Jonny Borders has been abducted, or has ran away from home. He has not updated the BJ site in over a week, and we believe that he has either been abducted and probably raped (he has previously been the “victim” of rape) or possibly taken by aliens. And the aliens would probably rape him anyway. My friend Simon got abducted by aliens once, and they raped him. He said that their penis’ were glow in the dark, their semen was bright orange and tasted like extremely strong milk. Like a quite mild cheese, but also like…a really really strong and powerful flavour. If that makes sense? He said they were nothing like in movies and stuff, and (apart from the raping and probing) that they really weren’t that bad. Obviously they let him go and stuff, so its not all bad.
I’m getting sidetracked.
Please contact me on 067550 0245950 if you see Jonny. I myself am about to leave the house and tirelessly start looking for him. I’m going to just like…look around Aylesbury. Generally. Like in the streets and stuff. He probably isn’t here. We live literally hundreds of miles apart so…its almost an entirely pointless activity, but this shows how much I love him. Plus I need some tea bags, so I’ll pop to Tesco…ahhhh but Tesco is far away. Okay, I’ll drive, and as I drive by I’ll definitely keep an eye out on the streets for him.
Simply Reveal More Gossip – #3
In this issue we speak to the victim of a violent internet bullying ring, attacked only because she was ginger, overweight, had incredibly bad skin, a funny voice, braces, frizzy hair, glasses, she was from a country that wasn’t part of the UK, she still played with Duplo and Barbie, she only ate Salami and her name was Franzinghoe. AND MORE! WOW! HOT!
WOW!
HOT!
NOW!
YOU!
Agony Uncles Part 1 – “I’ve Wrapped It In A J-Cloth”
Welcome to the first installment of Borders and Jamieson’s agony uncle page. I will start off by reminding you about our online submission form where you can send us your problems. We promise to answer EVERY SINGLE submission.
Now into this installments problems. First off is an avid reader who I believe lives in Aberstywth. Or Pentecclayd. One of those Welsh places.
My name is NotMoogleViper and my problem is …
Dear Borders and Jamieson,
I have a slightly embarrassing problem. I recently put my willy somewhere that I shouldn’t have and now it is kind of drippy and green. I have for now, wrapped it in a j cloth, but it doesn’t seem to be helping! What should I do??
Yours,
Sam
Well Sam, first of all let me say that you have come to the right person. Now…you havn’t given a whole lot of information here, and that is fair enough, everyone needs their privacy. Luckily for you there are not many things at all that I have not put my penis into. I can only think of 5 things where the outcome was a green, drippy penis. So I’ll narrow it down to the most likely. I assume you put your penis into a local fish and chip shops Mushy Peas dish. First of all, how was it? The last time I did it, I was underwhelmed. Anyway, I wouldn’t worry too much…the J-Cloth might have been a bad idea though. If you wrapped it up in that, and (well its now like 5 days after you wrote) if you left it on….it will have dried. Which means you’ve got to rip it off. If you’re not a jew…then good luck with that. If you are a jew….well, I guess that’s even worse.
I hope that helps in some way.
Next!
Dear Agony Uncles
How do I get bucketloads of punani?
Franz Finkelstein
Well Franz, first of all – not everyone has the ability to get bucketloads of punani. I’m not gonna sugarcoat it for you. That is just not my style. Me? Brother please…you knows I got the goo that women want. Women like a man that treats em’ bad. You’ll hear the opposite in your life, and I want you to look the people that tell you that in the eye….really square up to them…intensely gaze into their souls, and spit on their face. Slap them. Tell them to “Suck A Nut” and proceed by kissing the nearest punani-woman you can find. This empowers you and helps to reinforce your point.
Anyway, like I said, treat women like complete and utter fucking shit. Never…EVER buy them shit. Don’t tell them they look pretty. Don’t be gentle. Hit them. Degrade them. Tell them they are scum ALL the time. This goes even for before you have properly introduced yourself. I can guarantee you will be drowning in female vagina water before you even know it.
And I hope that helps!
We will be back before you know it with more Agony Uncles, we still have plenty to answer.
Abandoned Febreze Flavours – Dog Shit
The year is 2008. “Social Networking” is on its feverish rise, and every company was getting on top of it. Companies were starting to use Twitter and Facebook as a means of launching competitions, advertising and even polls. Febreze was no different. In the April of 2008, Febreze launched a poll on Facebook “Choose A Limited Edition Flavour”, and the idea with the most entries would be produced.
Its instancy (not a word?) speed, and mass viralistic nature made social networking a perfect tool for marketers. But it had a poisonous down side – hackers. And when hackers caught wind of the “Choose A Limited Edition Flavour” campaign, they launched themselves at it.
Creating false account after false account, “Dog Shit” flavour soon became a clear winner. Febreze thought this was just a strange and abstract way of making your furniture smell like an authentic outdoors, and the naive executives never considered that there was foul play involved. It got to the point where the odour had even been created, bottled AND advertised, however when it broke national news and public outrage became apparent, Febreze investigated and realised their mistake.
They pulled it from the market and ceased production immediately. These days bottles of the stuff can be seen being sold for literally hundreds of pounds on eBay – some say that it is an incredibly potent and arousing aid to animal scat fetishists, others merely state “Its something a bit different, and turns a boring old sofa into a boring old sofa that smells of dog shit”.
We here at BJ will try to obtain a bottle for a future competition.
Agony Uncles
Announcing Borders and Jamieson: The AGONY UNCLES! A new feature coming soon. We shall be answering your random questions and providing solutions to your daily woes.
Visit this handy webform and get your questions in NOW.
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